Failure?

Am I really that much of a failure in life that everything I try to do is instantly a flop?

Take for example, my life. From the time I was 3 years old I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I was able to break out of that life and start living for myself. But try as I might, I couldn’t save my siblings from being physically and emotionally abused. I couldn’t get Social Services to help me get us out of the house and somewhere safer. Was my fear of something worse overpowering my ability to do right by my siblings? Is my failure the reason why they won’t have anything to do with me?

Then I become an adult. I put myself through high school, ensuring that I got the coveted Diploma in the process. I met my first husband after graduation. During the marriage I was physically and emotionally abused. I thought I could handle it so long as my children, who were born shortly afterward, was not affected. When my eldest child was sexually molested by her half-brother, I left. I went to Texas where a friend of mine said I would be safe. When I got to Texas, he informed me that I couldn’t be there because I treated his Role Play family with disrespect and he didn’t want me around him. So the children and I, aged 6,5, and 1, lived in a shelter.for 8 months. While there I tried to find a job, tried to get us out of the shelter and into a real home. But my ex had the insurance on the car cancelled and our only mode of transportation was taken away because the shelter did not allow any un-insured cars on the property.

It was in Texas that I found my Path. And thinking that my family, the one set of people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, would put aside their Bible-thumping ways and accept me and the kids and help me achieve what I could not in Texas on my own without resources. I was wrong. The moment they found out about me being Wiccan was the moment all hell broke loose on me and my children. During this time I was struggling to keep the relationship I had started with my fiance afloat. I was being accused of cheating, lying, called a bitch and a whore. On top of this I was also having family members threaten to kill me if they ever caught me casting spells on my grandparents, who were housing the children and I at that time.

I had Social Services come in to my life once more because of my grandparents telling them that I was jepordizing my children’s safety with my religious beliefs. I had my uncle tamper with my phone and try to have me arrested by falsely claiming I was stealing his bluetooth capabilities and listening to his phone conversations as well as stealing his wi-fi. I had my grandfather shoving me and threatening to hit me with his fist after I pointed out that his business wasn’t legal and that he shouldn’t be operating until it was. Should I have just kept my mouth shut and saved myself all of this pain? Should I have just submitted to them and saved my children from this heart ache?

Social Services finally told me that the situation I was living in was unsafe for both me and my children. They informed me that I needed to leave. So I came out here with my fiance. The change was amazing at first, his family accepted me as I have never been accepted before. But now I’m facing something different.

He stays on the computer nearly all the time. Complains about how he can’t find a job, but refuses to look and put in applications. I rarely get a chance to work, and when I do work he is over my shoulder constantly telling me how I’m not working efficently. I get paid, all my money goes towards getting him what he wants. I can’t even buy a book of stamps to mail off the divorce papers because he spends it all almost immediately.

His mom is tired of his actions, and tells me that I should not put up with it, but maybe I deserve it. Maybe I did something throughout the course of my life that means I deserve everything that happens.