Love, Sex, and Trust

There are many things that I can say about love that are either true, scientifically speaking that is, but that are also dependent upon my own experiences and not entirely true for someone else. That being said, here is my view point on Love, Sex, and Trust in relationships.

Love is a chemical imbalance of the brain that is supposed to ensure that you snag the one you want and are in a relationship with that person. It fades over time, but can be renewed with constant attempts to maintain the relationship. That’s the popular belief.

To me, yes love is a chemical reaction in the body. It’s not something mystical or magical like my parents would have wanted me to believe (not that I would have because I knew better by that time). However, it is only there to make sure you are committed to the relationship that you are entering. Love, like puppy love and crush love, is something beautiful because of it’s tenderness; however, it’s not the basis for a relationship.

Love takes a back seat to other things like ‘commitment’ and an attitude that you are going to work on not only yourself but the relationship as well in order for it to work out. There is no way in the world people can remain married for 50+ years and still feel that warm glow that first sparked the relationship. They are committed, and determined, that this relationship is going to be their one and only.

People take relationships for granted so often these days. They are so ready to just give up, move on to the next person that “makes them happy”. This causes a multitude of problems, one of the most common is divorce.

Now, I don’t want you to get me wrong, I’m divorced as well. However, it’s not because I couldn’t make the relationship work, it was because I was being abused badly and my children started becoming affected. If they hadn’t started being affected, I wouldn’t have cared how many women he was “just friends” with, nor would I have cared what he did to me in anger, I would have stayed there until the day I died.

But now, here comes the other aspect of a relationship. Trust. (No, I’m not going the order of the title because the title was just put together according to alphabetical order)

You can have a relationship without trust. It’s hard, but you can do it. IF for no other fact that you know that you can trust the person you’re with to be A. Unfaithful B. Unwilling to participate C. Distrustful of you or whatever your list of reasons may be. The love isn’t as strong, because both of you are more willing to break it off instead of work out your issues, but even if the other party refuses to care about you, it is possible to have a relationship.

Let me say this though; If your partner is acting in a manner not normal to their normal mode, there is seriously something wrong and you need to seek help.

For example, my fiance is ‘friends’ with his ex-girlfriend. Though I trust him when he says they are just friends, I find it hard to maintain that trust when he talks to her online while I’m asleep in a bedroom setting/erases texts messages between them/has been caught cuddling with her several times/been caught talking sexually to each other, and assures me that they are only friends. This is made doubly hard in the fact that when he and I got our lives situated, they BOTH sat side by side and TOLD me that they were only friends; When in fact they were dating and having sex with each other the entire time I was trying to make our second chance work out.

However, this time is supposed to be different than those other times. I’m supposed to trust that nothing is going on. (says the woman who could smoke an entire pack of cigarettes without thinking about it because she’s finding it harder and harder each day to maintain trust in her man)

He, on the other hand, can’t trust me to not lie in order to boost him in other’s opinions. He can’t trust me not to lie about little stuff that doesn’t matter (like what the children are doing when I’ve already handled the situation). He can’t trust me not to try to steal his phone and read the text messages. He can’t trust me to go to sleep so he can talk to this other woman without me reading over his shoulder.

Little things like that.

Which leads me to the last point. Sex in the relationship will have it’s ups and downs throughout the years. However, if you find that it has been more than a month since your partner has shown an interest in having sex with you, then they have some kind of problem and it needs to be resolved. (at least that’s true for me, if I’m not happy then I’m not wanting to have sex)

Well guys, that’s it for now. Hope you have had a wonderful holiday!

Relationships: How to maintain yours

What can a divorced woman say about relationships that not only makes sense, but isn’t a complete waste of your time? Well, quite a bit actually. Being divorced, unless you are my parents, doesn’t mean that you failed in your marriage, it just means that the relationship didn’t work out, analyze it, see your mistakes, not just the other person’s mistakes, and learn from there. Personally, I give myself, and other adults around me, three chances to get something right. Unless they have a mental handicap that prevents them from connecting the dots mentally, that’s all they get. Mess up after those three chances and you’re done.

With relationships though, you can’t be that way. You have to learn to forgive, and forgive, and forgive because most of the time, people make these stupid little mistakes and they aren’t aware of how it affects other people. Without communication, OPEN communication, there can be a lot of misunderstandings and hurt individuals.

For example, my fiance is a self-absorbed man, While he loves me and the children, for the most part all he thinks about is what can be done to make himself happy. He plays video games, serfs Reddit or YouTube, and pretty much vegges out in front of a screen. He doesn’t get out much, in fact he hates going outside, hates cleaning, hates cooking, and does very little all day. He is depressed about being overweight, unemployed, and poor.

He has this “friend”, they used to date. She wanted to be friends again after they broke up. She has a boyfriend. Boyfriend controls her absolutely, mostly because she placed herself in the BDSM world and is allowing him to control her. Her personality is that of a leader, she baulks at orders and demands, but she too is self-absorbed. So much so that she cares about nothing but herself. She doesn’t want to have kids, she wants multiple partners in her relationships, and if she stabs someone in the back, she thinks “Oh well, there are plenty of more people out there.”

She did some really horrible things to my fiance, really horrible. And they focused around me. When he and I first started a relationship together, she agreed and supported his doubts concerning my fidelity, encouraged him to believe that I was lying to him, and generally aided in the first initial breakup between him and I (we haven’t had any more since that once, but since it was the first, I feel I should specify.). Because of her, when we got over our mutually hurt feelings and decided to at least try talking again, I became very paranoid. I would refuse to talk with anyone who was male, pushed any male friends away from myself, and if I chatted with anyone online, I saved the chat logs so that if I was accused of cheating once more, I had proof this time around that I wasn’t cheating.

If I did talk to a male, I limited it what could be said in the shortest amount of words as possible, and it tore me up. Some of my male friends were my intellectual equals, and they didn’t downplay my ideas. They listened to what I had to say, was patient if I repeated myself (which is something I do a lot when I’m thinking things out) and generally aided me to be a better person. But, to quell any gossip, I turned away from my friends. Everything I did was open.

However, my fiance and his “friend” got into it again, and once more I was dragged into it. You see, he never asked me how I felt about her specifically. Oh, he knows I don’t like her, but he doesn’t know the reasons why. Even though I’ve told him repeatedly, and I even listed them out for him, the words I said were like hummingbirds flitting around his head. They didn’t stick.

I used to live with people like her, people who gather whatever information they could, twist it around so that no one could tell what was the truth and what was a lie, and then use it to hurt those that they don’t like. I was around those people so often, that I started acting that way as well. I got really good at it, not that I’m proud of that fact. So when I say I know how her mind works, I really do know how her mind works. I’ve seen enough evidence over the years of dealing with her to say that I can even predict what she is doing at any given moment of time.

He thought, when they became friends again, that things could go back to the way they were. He could confide in her the things that he felt would be too much for me to handle and he would get his “friend” back and keep his wife (me). But things blew up in a big way. I FREAKED when I found out they were talking again. All I could think was, “Oh my Gods Amanda, what did you do to fuck up this time? What did you fail at that made him want to talk to her again?” I was so upset that I sunk into a depressive state for three days, non-stop crying, throwing up, and insomnia.

He thought that if he hid that he was talking to her, it would make everything better. It didn’t. Even when I told him that it didn’t make things better, that it made me now not trust him because he was hiding things, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “What we say is private” and my mind, being twisted and horrible in the first place interpreted that as “I don’t trust you enough to be completely open with you in everything I do with her.” And that pissed me off to a whole new level of depression.

I gave up everything, EVERYTHING to prove myself to him. I copied, pasted, took up massive amounts of space on my old computer to save pictures and screen shots, text messages and emails, chat logs, all to ensure that there was nothing that I was doing that was hidden away so he would feel secure. And here he was, telling me that I was worthless and untrustworthy again.

Then came the Big Bang, or as I call it, the BB. She, in an effort to get her boyfriend to agree to let her talk with my fiance again, told the guy that my fiance and her never dated, that they tried to have sex once but because of it being awkward, nothing happened. She then told him that it was MY fault that she and he stopped being friends. She told him I was such a horrible liar that nothing I ever said could ever be believed. And of course, being the male of quality that he is, her boyfriend believed her. So when I freaked out, I had not only my fiance to contend with, but his “friend” and her boyfriend as well.

I was online, and invited to a chat with the three of them, being told that her boyfriend wanted to talk to me to air out any bad feelings and assure me that she had changed from the person she was to a better person who could be trusted. He wanted a private chat. The conversation that ensued was nothing more than being backed into a corner and having someone thrust a knife under your ribs telling you that if you don’t do what they want, they are going to kill you. “Oh, I know everything about you, how you lie, manipulate, and do whatever you can to get what you want. But I’m telling you now, you do anything to cause these two to not be friends anymore and I will hunt you down and kill you in real life, not in the chat rooms.”

I saved the chat, of course. Allowed my fiance to read it because he didn’t believe that was what happened. Saved a copy for the police and contacted the owner of the chat service. Then proceeded to smoke nearly half a pack of cigarettes in under an hour.

My fiance confronted her about it, found out that not only had she lied, but she had taken the information he had trusted her with, and used it to create an enemy against me that would be loyal to her, without her having to sully her hands. He swore her off. Said that he would never talk to her again.

Three months later, she contacts him. Apologizing to him for her actions. Again, my brain said, “She’s sorry for being found out and wants him as her friend again because she’s bored. She’s sorry for revealing her true self, but not for what she’s done.” He told me that he was going to tell her that he forgives her and yadda yadda yadda. Bunch of filler words I knew would never be true.

This time around, she’s being even more careful. But he’s not. He’s a toucher, I know this and accept that he’s very physically affectionate, even with those he has to play nice to. Though to be honest, he hates my dad, and the one time I begged him to just meet the man and give him a chance, he turned away and went somewhere else. Anyways, I know he cuddles her, hugs her, maybe even kisses her on the cheek or forehead (this is cyber wise, not actually physically being done). They spend hours talking with each other, texting and chatting.

All I saw was him opening himself up to be hurt again. In fact, despite our discussion about this new turn of events, I still believe he’s just opening himself up to be hurt, and in turn, allowing me to be dragged into something else all over again. Even though he says he’s not telling her anything important about our life, or his personal life, even the fact that he’s cuddling her is something she can use against not only him, but me. After all, all she needs to do is spread it around that he’s so desperate for affection I can’t provide and once again I’m having to stop chatting with other people and having fun making not-real friends.

The main reason I killed off my main role play character, is because of her. The link to the official death of my character can be read here: http://amandagaia.deviantart.com/journal/Tired-431787524 , but as for the actual stories, you’ll have to wait until I get published for those.

I was being attacked when I went in to role play. Her friends, her allies, would track me down to whatever chat room I was in and claim all these horrible things until I was told that I wasn’t welcome anymore. He spent so much time with her, believed in her fully, that when I freaked out the first time, he didn’t see how he was killing me in giving this woman his trust again.

But we talked. And he said that I needed to realize that he’s so desperate for someone other than me, the kids, and the family to talk to, that he’s been driven to contact her again. Forced to go out and sit in front of a screen while talking about her sex life, her preferences, and cuddle with her while talking about this stuff (a topic that no doubt is chosen by her with the intention of attempting to make him horny so that the final piece of the master puzzle can be completed).

He says he doesn’t trust her, that he’s not telling her anything that could be used against us. And I believe him. He’s not actually typing out his complaints and fears and worries. He’s letting his body do his talking for him, and she’s soaking it up and enjoying herself immensely.

So, the main purpose of this story is for you, the reader, to see that when you’re in a relationship, you have to take everything into account. If you are normally very affectionate, you may need to take a look at what you are doing and decide as to whether it is appropriate for your significant other’s mental and emotional health for you to be affectionate towards others. If you are normally closed off, keep in mind that it will cause suspicion and doubt with anyone you are in a relationship with and will be a large factor in any potential break-up. Relationships are about being open, honest, no closed doors. Actually listen to what your partner has to say and factor in their feelings, not just your own.

If you are like my fiance, confide in your significant other instead of your friends, but also be tactful if your significant other happens to be a suicidal depressant like myself. Right now, I’m so far down the rabbit hole that the only reason I don’t overdose or poison myself is the fact that my kids will be without a mother, and since my fiance and I aren’t legally married any more, they will be taken and placed in foster care until their biological father can be located, and when he is they will be given over to him until the time they turn 18. Since the man abused the kids, put them through hell, I refuse to allow this to happen.

My children, quite literally, are the only reasons I’m still alive to write this.