Mercury Retrograde Sucks

So, I’m hoping that this is just because of the retrograde still being in effect. I’m praying that this isn’t a permanent thing. But I fear that it might just be the end for me and my life as I know it.

Many of you know that I’ve been on the fence about what to do with my fiance and his “friend”. Well, I decided to be adult about the whole matter and let him reach a decision on his own, praying that he will make the right one. I did nothing to sway his opinion one way or the other, I didn’t force him to choose her or me, I just let him stew over the facts of what was going on and prayed that he would be adult about the whole thing and just let her go.

Many of my friends told me that he wouldn’t, that he was still in love with her and would always be in love with her. I knew that already, but I prayed regardless that he would value me as a person since I was physically in his life while she was nothing more than a bunch of pixels.

I was wrong.

He woke me up just a little while ago to let me know that he has forgiven her and has decided to still be her “friend”. Which means, he’s still going to talk to her, he’s still going to cuddle with her, he’s still going to be affectionate with her, they are still going to talk about anything they want including but not limited to sexual desires, sexual wants, and sexual needs. He is still going to go to her to complain about whatever he feels I’ve done wrong. He’s still going to …. I can’t continue.

It hurts too much to keep going on, so let’s just say he woke me up to let me know that I’m not as good as an image on the computer screen. My love isn’t enough because it’s not fraught with lies and deceit. I never betrayed him, nor did I ever do anything to anyone he was with while we were broken up, betray his trust, or do anything to hurt him or the people that he cared about.

Because of that, I’m not good enough to protect. I have no rights to privacy, no right to be respected. Nothing.

I should have seen the writing on the wall when he said to me “I don’t know if I’ll even marry you” and “If I wasn’t with you, she and I would be fucking right now instead of just cuddling”. I should have SEEN it! But I prayed that he was just being flippant.

He chose her over me.

He stopped loving me, wanting the best for me, because I was too real in his world.