Love, Sex, and Trust

There are many things that I can say about love that are either true, scientifically speaking that is, but that are also dependent upon my own experiences and not entirely true for someone else. That being said, here is my view point on Love, Sex, and Trust in relationships.

Love is a chemical imbalance of the brain that is supposed to ensure that you snag the one you want and are in a relationship with that person. It fades over time, but can be renewed with constant attempts to maintain the relationship. That’s the popular belief.

To me, yes love is a chemical reaction in the body. It’s not something mystical or magical like my parents would have wanted me to believe (not that I would have because I knew better by that time). However, it is only there to make sure you are committed to the relationship that you are entering. Love, like puppy love and crush love, is something beautiful because of it’s tenderness; however, it’s not the basis for a relationship.

Love takes a back seat to other things like ‘commitment’ and an attitude that you are going to work on not only yourself but the relationship as well in order for it to work out. There is no way in the world people can remain married for 50+ years and still feel that warm glow that first sparked the relationship. They are committed, and determined, that this relationship is going to be their one and only.

People take relationships for granted so often these days. They are so ready to just give up, move on to the next person that “makes them happy”. This causes a multitude of problems, one of the most common is divorce.

Now, I don’t want you to get me wrong, I’m divorced as well. However, it’s not because I couldn’t make the relationship work, it was because I was being abused badly and my children started becoming affected. If they hadn’t started being affected, I wouldn’t have cared how many women he was “just friends” with, nor would I have cared what he did to me in anger, I would have stayed there until the day I died.

But now, here comes the other aspect of a relationship. Trust. (No, I’m not going the order of the title because the title was just put together according to alphabetical order)

You can have a relationship without trust. It’s hard, but you can do it. IF for no other fact that you know that you can trust the person you’re with to be A. Unfaithful B. Unwilling to participate C. Distrustful of you or whatever your list of reasons may be. The love isn’t as strong, because both of you are more willing to break it off instead of work out your issues, but even if the other party refuses to care about you, it is possible to have a relationship.

Let me say this though; If your partner is acting in a manner not normal to their normal mode, there is seriously something wrong and you need to seek help.

For example, my fiance is ‘friends’ with his ex-girlfriend. Though I trust him when he says they are just friends, I find it hard to maintain that trust when he talks to her online while I’m asleep in a bedroom setting/erases texts messages between them/has been caught cuddling with her several times/been caught talking sexually to each other, and assures me that they are only friends. This is made doubly hard in the fact that when he and I got our lives situated, they BOTH sat side by side and TOLD me that they were only friends; When in fact they were dating and having sex with each other the entire time I was trying to make our second chance work out.

However, this time is supposed to be different than those other times. I’m supposed to trust that nothing is going on. (says the woman who could smoke an entire pack of cigarettes without thinking about it because she’s finding it harder and harder each day to maintain trust in her man)

He, on the other hand, can’t trust me to not lie in order to boost him in other’s opinions. He can’t trust me not to lie about little stuff that doesn’t matter (like what the children are doing when I’ve already handled the situation). He can’t trust me not to try to steal his phone and read the text messages. He can’t trust me to go to sleep so he can talk to this other woman without me reading over his shoulder.

Little things like that.

Which leads me to the last point. Sex in the relationship will have it’s ups and downs throughout the years. However, if you find that it has been more than a month since your partner has shown an interest in having sex with you, then they have some kind of problem and it needs to be resolved. (at least that’s true for me, if I’m not happy then I’m not wanting to have sex)

Well guys, that’s it for now. Hope you have had a wonderful holiday!

Mercury Retrograde Sucks

So, I’m hoping that this is just because of the retrograde still being in effect. I’m praying that this isn’t a permanent thing. But I fear that it might just be the end for me and my life as I know it.

Many of you know that I’ve been on the fence about what to do with my fiance and his “friend”. Well, I decided to be adult about the whole matter and let him reach a decision on his own, praying that he will make the right one. I did nothing to sway his opinion one way or the other, I didn’t force him to choose her or me, I just let him stew over the facts of what was going on and prayed that he would be adult about the whole thing and just let her go.

Many of my friends told me that he wouldn’t, that he was still in love with her and would always be in love with her. I knew that already, but I prayed regardless that he would value me as a person since I was physically in his life while she was nothing more than a bunch of pixels.

I was wrong.

He woke me up just a little while ago to let me know that he has forgiven her and has decided to still be her “friend”. Which means, he’s still going to talk to her, he’s still going to cuddle with her, he’s still going to be affectionate with her, they are still going to talk about anything they want including but not limited to sexual desires, sexual wants, and sexual needs. He is still going to go to her to complain about whatever he feels I’ve done wrong. He’s still going to …. I can’t continue.

It hurts too much to keep going on, so let’s just say he woke me up to let me know that I’m not as good as an image on the computer screen. My love isn’t enough because it’s not fraught with lies and deceit. I never betrayed him, nor did I ever do anything to anyone he was with while we were broken up, betray his trust, or do anything to hurt him or the people that he cared about.

Because of that, I’m not good enough to protect. I have no rights to privacy, no right to be respected. Nothing.

I should have seen the writing on the wall when he said to me “I don’t know if I’ll even marry you” and “If I wasn’t with you, she and I would be fucking right now instead of just cuddling”. I should have SEEN it! But I prayed that he was just being flippant.

He chose her over me.

He stopped loving me, wanting the best for me, because I was too real in his world.

Surprises

You know, it always surprises me the extent people will go just to feel the fleeting moment of bliss in relationships. For example, my fiance had a relationship with this woman, for those of you who have read my previous blogs, you know what woman I mean. The relationship lasted for nearly 6 months, but it rapidly deteriorated through the actions of them both, not just one individual. He progressed it by hounding her relentlessly about her commitment and fidelity, she by dodging his inquiries and putting up a facade that allowed him to believe her, even though his guy instinct told him she was lying. The truth finally came out when she messed up royally and I won a coin toss (what a romantic way to decide on whether or not you are going to be in a relationship with someone, right?)

To be honest, I’m grateful that I won the coin toss. It allowed me to know the real him, he used a fake name and background with us both in order to keep his real life hidden and safe, and it gave me something to hold on to when I was being attacked by my blood family for differences in religious beliefs. In fact, if it hadn’t been for this relationship progressing the way it had, I have no doubt that my children will now, at this moment, be in the custody of their negligent and abusive biological father and I would either be 6 feet buried in my grandparent’s back yard or my body simply being lost and unable to be found. So, in essence, he saved me from death.

But did he really?

I mean, look at the current situation I’m in now. He’s still talking to his ex, well, not talking at the moment but she’s always on his mind, and my feelings about the situation are having to be shoved to the side because, as he puts it, “It’s not your business.”

I went through dramatic changes, for me at least, in order to better myself for him. I became more open about expressing myself, even though there are times when I am not very good at it and tend to make things worse when I try. But at least I’m trying. Nine times out of ten I’ll go to him with a problem that I need help with, the one time I don’t go to him is when I have a problem with him and that’s because in the 10 months we’ve been physically in the same house I’ve learned that coming to him when I have an issue with something he’s done will do nothing to rectify the situation. In fact, I’m more likely to be told “This is who I am, deal with it” than “I’m sorry that bothers you, I’ll work on changing it so that you won’t be hurt anymore.”

To some, to many, this may seem like an extremely toxic and abusive relationship, but to me, it’s nothing more than what I deserve. After all, to him and his friend, I’m the other woman. I’m the interloper. The one who can’t be trusted. If it wasn’t true, then I would have been the one he took room hoping when we chatted online, I would be the one he comes to with his problems. I would not be the only one who is changing for the other person. To him, she treats him as if he’s perfect the way he is. He can trust her. She doesn’t want him to be different. She’s calm while I’m not.

However, she’s also a bit of a wild card. She doesn’t have kids, refuses to even consider having kids. I have three. Raising kids isn’t the easiest thing in the world, even when they are your own children and you are having to raise them by yourself. He’s learned a great deal about child rearing, and is, in my opinion, a wonderful and loving father. He’s a man I would be proud to see my son emulate and my daughters find for themselves when they get older. But only if they find men that are like the way he is around them, not the way he is around me.

To put it shortly, he frightens me. Frustrates me. Angers me. And even causes me to doubt my self-worth.

The frightens me part comes from his temper. He has an awful temper. He will be playing a game, and if he starts loosing, or someone messes up and the game can’t be salvaged, he goes into a temper that reminds me of a 2 year old. He curses, throws things, and gets short with me if I do the smallest thing in the world that offends him. This is a side I don’t want our children to see, so I have started taking the blame if one of them messes up. Lying for them so that when he’s angry he won’t lash out at them. They mess up often enough, and yes I allow him to correct them, and no I don’t agree with some of the correcting he administers. Which is why I try to protect my children from his wrath, because I don’t want them to see him as some huge adult who is always angry at them, always punishing them, a person to be feared. I want them to see him as they have always seen him, loving, kind, carefree, playful.

He frustrates me a lot of the time. Mostly because he refuses to listen to what I have to say about certain matters, especially matters concerning his friend. I feel like she has him in her net, drawing him in because she knows he still loves her, or is in fact still in love with her and is only with me because I’m safe while he knows she will drop him like a bad penny or do something so horrible that he has to walk away from her for a while. In this, I still feel as if I’m the other woman. The weekend wife as it were. I don’t have his respect. I may have an aspect of his love, but I don’t have it fully. I know that if I had his full love, then he would remember the pain and anguish this woman has put me through and decide “enough is enough” and do away with her forever. But he won’t. He doesn’t want to hurt her. So, to me, it feels as if he’s willing to allow me to have pain and suffering if it spares her.

Another way he frustrates me is the fact that he gives up easily. He complains, not often, but sometimes, about not having a job and no work experience. Well, there are many places that hire people with no work experience. For example, McDonald’s, Cracker Barrel, Taco Bell. Yes, these are fast food places, but they are a start. Work there for about 6 months, Cracker Barrel especially, and you will have enough experience to qualify for a different job with a different company. But when I suggest, or someone else suggests, that he put in an application there, he might put it in. And then, he used to at least, go and complain to his friend about how he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have any money.

He angers me, oh my Goddess does he anger me. There are times when I just want to strangle him, or hit him upside his head, because he’s made some foolish remark or done something hard headed. Like the situation with his friend. I told him countless numbers of times that she was using whatever information he gave her and twisting it to turn against me. When asked how she could possibly do that, I would give him examples. And sure enough, she did what I said she was going to do, and still he forgave her, continued talking to her. It wasn’t until just recently, when he asked her why she betrayed him the way she had, that he realized that she had been selfish this entire time. She didn’t care about his feelings or how her actions would affect him and me. All she cared about was proving to her new Boyfriend how much she cared for him. Yet, if I go by the way he’s talking currently, he’s going to take all the blame for the situation and forgive her. His unwillingness to work to change his current situation, employment and income etc, angers me. Here I am, working nearly all the time, developing plot lines for my book, testing out sentence structures and phrases to use. I work on articles that are up on order boards so that I can get a little spending cash to go towards toilet paper, soap and other things we need around the house. Yet he does nothing but complain about how we don’t have any money.

He causes me to doubt my self-worth. This is a biggie with me, especially since he was the one who insisted that I realize that I’m not worthless. He would tell me all the time “Quit saying that, if you were worthless then I wouldn’t love you, and I do love you”. It would make me feel special, cherished. But now, my intelligence is less than that of a 2 year old, I can’t be trusted to tell the truth, and I feel like I’m back at square one in the relationship. All the work I tried to do over the past 2 years to over come my own self-destruction is worthless.

And here’s my favorite new thing he’s been doing. Telling me that I’m acting like a victim. Saying that I’m only talking negatively about myself in order to get pity. That’s bullshit! To me, that just shows just how little he actually knows about me. Or at least, how little he’s been paying attention to me. If he knew anything about me, he would know that if I speak negatively about myself, it’s because, in my eyes, my ego is getting too big. To me, if I speak negatively about myself, it’s to remind myself that I’m not the best thing since sliced bread and that there are others out there who are better than I am. He gets angry when I repeat the harsh insults he has said to me in anger back to him. He says he’s going to try to change so that he won’t lash out at me, but isn’t that what he’s doing anyways?

I didn’t ever tell him he had to choose between me and his friend.  Not once did I harp on the bad things she had done in the past. Yes, I acted depressed, which to me is normal when I find out that the man I love isn’t happy enough with me to stick to his guns and never contact someone who has betrayed him. He accused me of cheating so often, that I knew that there would be no point in continuing the denying of it, nothing I could do to prove my innocence, that I admitted that I had cheated so that he would feel justified. This action was later corrected and now he feels horrible to have falsely accused me. But he caught her cheating on him. He had proof that she was unfaithful. And even if he did forgive her for that, and sought to be friends with her once more, he had proof that she acted in a less than friend like manner towards him. She betrayed him! Nearly caused us to break up, again!

And yet, he’s going to forgive her.

So, now I’m at my own crossroads. He knows that if he decides to forgive her and continue having a relationship with her, he is jeopardizing his relationship with me. In fact, he knows that I will see his actions as proof that he doesn’t care for me and is choosing her over myself and our children. He already knows that I have a support system now that won’t let me fall, and he knows that should he do something stupid and loose me and the kids, his family won’t support him. He will have to sink or swim on his own, without a safety net.

But how can I trust him to do as he says? For the past 4 months he’s hidden that he’s been in communications with her. It’s only through happenstance that I’ve discovered it at all and have been able to confront him and get the truth. He deletes text messages, waits until I’m asleep to bring up the chat rooms they participate in (for those who are curious, they use IMVU from http://www.imvu.com for chatting) and never talks about their conversations. I’m not important enough in his world to be brought into this aspect of his life. He doesn’t trust me enough to give me every aspect of his life, like I’ve given to him. He can say he trusts me all he wants to, but when he sits there and tells me “I don’t feel comfortable with you being around while I’m talking to Selene”, he’s telling me that even though he knows that he’s wrong in talking to her about things he wouldn’t talk to me about, I’m just not important enough to him for him to care.

So, do I go left and terminate the relationship now before I continue getting hurt?

Or do I turn right and continue trusting him, waiting patiently as I have always done, for him to realize what I’ve been saying this entire time is true?

Relationships: How to maintain yours

What can a divorced woman say about relationships that not only makes sense, but isn’t a complete waste of your time? Well, quite a bit actually. Being divorced, unless you are my parents, doesn’t mean that you failed in your marriage, it just means that the relationship didn’t work out, analyze it, see your mistakes, not just the other person’s mistakes, and learn from there. Personally, I give myself, and other adults around me, three chances to get something right. Unless they have a mental handicap that prevents them from connecting the dots mentally, that’s all they get. Mess up after those three chances and you’re done.

With relationships though, you can’t be that way. You have to learn to forgive, and forgive, and forgive because most of the time, people make these stupid little mistakes and they aren’t aware of how it affects other people. Without communication, OPEN communication, there can be a lot of misunderstandings and hurt individuals.

For example, my fiance is a self-absorbed man, While he loves me and the children, for the most part all he thinks about is what can be done to make himself happy. He plays video games, serfs Reddit or YouTube, and pretty much vegges out in front of a screen. He doesn’t get out much, in fact he hates going outside, hates cleaning, hates cooking, and does very little all day. He is depressed about being overweight, unemployed, and poor.

He has this “friend”, they used to date. She wanted to be friends again after they broke up. She has a boyfriend. Boyfriend controls her absolutely, mostly because she placed herself in the BDSM world and is allowing him to control her. Her personality is that of a leader, she baulks at orders and demands, but she too is self-absorbed. So much so that she cares about nothing but herself. She doesn’t want to have kids, she wants multiple partners in her relationships, and if she stabs someone in the back, she thinks “Oh well, there are plenty of more people out there.”

She did some really horrible things to my fiance, really horrible. And they focused around me. When he and I first started a relationship together, she agreed and supported his doubts concerning my fidelity, encouraged him to believe that I was lying to him, and generally aided in the first initial breakup between him and I (we haven’t had any more since that once, but since it was the first, I feel I should specify.). Because of her, when we got over our mutually hurt feelings and decided to at least try talking again, I became very paranoid. I would refuse to talk with anyone who was male, pushed any male friends away from myself, and if I chatted with anyone online, I saved the chat logs so that if I was accused of cheating once more, I had proof this time around that I wasn’t cheating.

If I did talk to a male, I limited it what could be said in the shortest amount of words as possible, and it tore me up. Some of my male friends were my intellectual equals, and they didn’t downplay my ideas. They listened to what I had to say, was patient if I repeated myself (which is something I do a lot when I’m thinking things out) and generally aided me to be a better person. But, to quell any gossip, I turned away from my friends. Everything I did was open.

However, my fiance and his “friend” got into it again, and once more I was dragged into it. You see, he never asked me how I felt about her specifically. Oh, he knows I don’t like her, but he doesn’t know the reasons why. Even though I’ve told him repeatedly, and I even listed them out for him, the words I said were like hummingbirds flitting around his head. They didn’t stick.

I used to live with people like her, people who gather whatever information they could, twist it around so that no one could tell what was the truth and what was a lie, and then use it to hurt those that they don’t like. I was around those people so often, that I started acting that way as well. I got really good at it, not that I’m proud of that fact. So when I say I know how her mind works, I really do know how her mind works. I’ve seen enough evidence over the years of dealing with her to say that I can even predict what she is doing at any given moment of time.

He thought, when they became friends again, that things could go back to the way they were. He could confide in her the things that he felt would be too much for me to handle and he would get his “friend” back and keep his wife (me). But things blew up in a big way. I FREAKED when I found out they were talking again. All I could think was, “Oh my Gods Amanda, what did you do to fuck up this time? What did you fail at that made him want to talk to her again?” I was so upset that I sunk into a depressive state for three days, non-stop crying, throwing up, and insomnia.

He thought that if he hid that he was talking to her, it would make everything better. It didn’t. Even when I told him that it didn’t make things better, that it made me now not trust him because he was hiding things, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “What we say is private” and my mind, being twisted and horrible in the first place interpreted that as “I don’t trust you enough to be completely open with you in everything I do with her.” And that pissed me off to a whole new level of depression.

I gave up everything, EVERYTHING to prove myself to him. I copied, pasted, took up massive amounts of space on my old computer to save pictures and screen shots, text messages and emails, chat logs, all to ensure that there was nothing that I was doing that was hidden away so he would feel secure. And here he was, telling me that I was worthless and untrustworthy again.

Then came the Big Bang, or as I call it, the BB. She, in an effort to get her boyfriend to agree to let her talk with my fiance again, told the guy that my fiance and her never dated, that they tried to have sex once but because of it being awkward, nothing happened. She then told him that it was MY fault that she and he stopped being friends. She told him I was such a horrible liar that nothing I ever said could ever be believed. And of course, being the male of quality that he is, her boyfriend believed her. So when I freaked out, I had not only my fiance to contend with, but his “friend” and her boyfriend as well.

I was online, and invited to a chat with the three of them, being told that her boyfriend wanted to talk to me to air out any bad feelings and assure me that she had changed from the person she was to a better person who could be trusted. He wanted a private chat. The conversation that ensued was nothing more than being backed into a corner and having someone thrust a knife under your ribs telling you that if you don’t do what they want, they are going to kill you. “Oh, I know everything about you, how you lie, manipulate, and do whatever you can to get what you want. But I’m telling you now, you do anything to cause these two to not be friends anymore and I will hunt you down and kill you in real life, not in the chat rooms.”

I saved the chat, of course. Allowed my fiance to read it because he didn’t believe that was what happened. Saved a copy for the police and contacted the owner of the chat service. Then proceeded to smoke nearly half a pack of cigarettes in under an hour.

My fiance confronted her about it, found out that not only had she lied, but she had taken the information he had trusted her with, and used it to create an enemy against me that would be loyal to her, without her having to sully her hands. He swore her off. Said that he would never talk to her again.

Three months later, she contacts him. Apologizing to him for her actions. Again, my brain said, “She’s sorry for being found out and wants him as her friend again because she’s bored. She’s sorry for revealing her true self, but not for what she’s done.” He told me that he was going to tell her that he forgives her and yadda yadda yadda. Bunch of filler words I knew would never be true.

This time around, she’s being even more careful. But he’s not. He’s a toucher, I know this and accept that he’s very physically affectionate, even with those he has to play nice to. Though to be honest, he hates my dad, and the one time I begged him to just meet the man and give him a chance, he turned away and went somewhere else. Anyways, I know he cuddles her, hugs her, maybe even kisses her on the cheek or forehead (this is cyber wise, not actually physically being done). They spend hours talking with each other, texting and chatting.

All I saw was him opening himself up to be hurt again. In fact, despite our discussion about this new turn of events, I still believe he’s just opening himself up to be hurt, and in turn, allowing me to be dragged into something else all over again. Even though he says he’s not telling her anything important about our life, or his personal life, even the fact that he’s cuddling her is something she can use against not only him, but me. After all, all she needs to do is spread it around that he’s so desperate for affection I can’t provide and once again I’m having to stop chatting with other people and having fun making not-real friends.

The main reason I killed off my main role play character, is because of her. The link to the official death of my character can be read here: http://amandagaia.deviantart.com/journal/Tired-431787524 , but as for the actual stories, you’ll have to wait until I get published for those.

I was being attacked when I went in to role play. Her friends, her allies, would track me down to whatever chat room I was in and claim all these horrible things until I was told that I wasn’t welcome anymore. He spent so much time with her, believed in her fully, that when I freaked out the first time, he didn’t see how he was killing me in giving this woman his trust again.

But we talked. And he said that I needed to realize that he’s so desperate for someone other than me, the kids, and the family to talk to, that he’s been driven to contact her again. Forced to go out and sit in front of a screen while talking about her sex life, her preferences, and cuddle with her while talking about this stuff (a topic that no doubt is chosen by her with the intention of attempting to make him horny so that the final piece of the master puzzle can be completed).

He says he doesn’t trust her, that he’s not telling her anything that could be used against us. And I believe him. He’s not actually typing out his complaints and fears and worries. He’s letting his body do his talking for him, and she’s soaking it up and enjoying herself immensely.

So, the main purpose of this story is for you, the reader, to see that when you’re in a relationship, you have to take everything into account. If you are normally very affectionate, you may need to take a look at what you are doing and decide as to whether it is appropriate for your significant other’s mental and emotional health for you to be affectionate towards others. If you are normally closed off, keep in mind that it will cause suspicion and doubt with anyone you are in a relationship with and will be a large factor in any potential break-up. Relationships are about being open, honest, no closed doors. Actually listen to what your partner has to say and factor in their feelings, not just your own.

If you are like my fiance, confide in your significant other instead of your friends, but also be tactful if your significant other happens to be a suicidal depressant like myself. Right now, I’m so far down the rabbit hole that the only reason I don’t overdose or poison myself is the fact that my kids will be without a mother, and since my fiance and I aren’t legally married any more, they will be taken and placed in foster care until their biological father can be located, and when he is they will be given over to him until the time they turn 18. Since the man abused the kids, put them through hell, I refuse to allow this to happen.

My children, quite literally, are the only reasons I’m still alive to write this.

Rant: Life and Relationships in general (mine specifically)

You know what really gets to me more than anything else? It’s not an unclean room, it’s not racism (though that is really up there in my pet peeves), it’s laziness.

What grown adult does not know how to take care of themselves and doesn’t have the desire to learn?!

Here is my schedule for any given day to use as an example.

1. Wake up, feed kids if they are awake. If they just woke up, hop on computer really quickly to see if there is any work because as soon as hubby-to-be wakes up, the computer is no longer yours to use.

2. Do whatever jobs are available within the time space of two (2) hours.

3. Cook hubby-to-be’s breakfast while he surfs Reddit.

4. Grab a book and wait for him to get done eating.

5. Clean up entire house (even future father-in-law’s room) making sure to vacuum the carpets and sweep the tile floors. Mop if necessary.

6. Wash clothes.

7. Cook lunch.

8. Feed kids and hubby-to-be, call FFIL to eat.

9. Clean up kitchen and put away any extra food.

10. Grab book and read while huby-to-be plays LoL of continues to serf Reddit/listen or watch YouTube videos.

That’s it. The kids I can understand, but isn’t the purpose of being a helpmate to someone else is to ACTUALLY help them?!! I haven’t been paid in 2 weeks because I haven’t been able to find work during the time frame I’ve been given because now I’m so exhausted at night from being forced to stay up until 2am so he can role play with me I’m sleeping later. My eldest, goddess bless her, has taken it upon herself to help me out and she wakes up with the younger two and feeds them a bowl of cereal each morning I’m sleeping late. I’ve had a perpetual migraine for 3 days because I’m not getting enough sleep (and since I haven’t been paid the groceries are running low so I’m not eating either) and no one seems to care.

FFIL screams about any dishes left in the sink, wants them cleaned up but is too busy playing online poker to stop screaming and actually DO something once in a while. I’m at the end of my ropes. I make enough to help out with the bills here, but I know there’s no way I can support myself let alone my kids AND my fiance.

He hugs me and tells me I’m the most wonderful woman in the world. He tells me that he’s lucky to have me with him and he doesn’t know what he would do if I was not there. Well, for one he’d starve because no matter what I’ve tried to do, he refuses to go into the kitchen and learn how to cook anything that can’t be heated in a microwave (and I don’t keep too many of that stuff around because he refuses to clean up after himself and each morning I will find trash all over the floor in front of the computer from where he just eats and tosses the wrappers on the floor. I don’t want ants and other insects, so I don’t keep too many easily cooked foods around). He refuses to clean!

That has been a huge debate between the two of us. I want the room cleaned, everything put up and away in the places where they belong. He doesn’t feel comfortable in a clean room, says that since he moved around a lot when he was younger, a clean room makes him feel like he’s going to be moving. When I do clean, he freaks out, doesn’t sleep at night, sleeps a few hours during the day and is generally a pain in my ass every time. It’s gotten to the point where half my clothes are put up, the other half is on the floor to the closet and his gaming systems are taking over the floor while I struggle to find some middle ground where we both can be happy. He refuses to clean or help clean.

And then there’s the biggest issue of all. Trust. I feel like I can’t trust him at all. For anyone whose read any of my blogs before, you know that he lied to me about who he was from the very beginning. Made up this entire life and maintained it for the better part of a year. He still talks to his ex-girlfriends, especially to the one who hates me and uses every word he utters about his life being horrible to further her own hate. He refuses to listen to me when I have something to say. It’s gotten to the point that where what little self-confidence I had is down the drain.

I’m more stupid than a child.

I’m so childish I don’t deserve to be treated like an adult.

I never have anything important to say so I might as well not speak at all.

It’s almost like I left one abuser for another! He has his good moments, but I simply can’t trust him. I told him the truth about everything, he was one of the few I first opened up to and while we were 2,000+ miles apart, he was the only one who was supportive of me growing and becoming better. Now that I’m here by his side, I have dreams that depict me having a better life without him and I wake the moment I reach out to him in my dreams. I’m too close to the situation to know if this is my brain trying to tell me something or if it’s my own frustrations showing something better without him because that is what I truly feel at times.

I’m a suicidal depressant. When I’m not busy, I’m thinking of ways to kill myself. When I’m bored, I’m thinking of ways to kill myself. I have to stay active. Yet no one seems to understand. I can’t trust the man I love, I feel as if he’s more abusive than my ex-husband, if not physically then definitely emotionally and mentally. I couldn’t pay the NetFlix bill, so they cut off our access. I got fussed at about that. I have yet to find an agent, I’m told that I’m not working hard enough to find one. I get it from both sides, from both of the other adults that live in this house, but no one wants to help.

I go to bed hurting, physically cramping, each and every night. I struggle to come up with ideas for a role play because hubby-to-be wants to role play with me. It’s gotten to the point where I pretend to be asleep when he turns to me and says “Ok, let’s rp” so that he’ll go back to whatever he’s doing and let me actually sleep.  I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m in pain. And I can’t find any work to take my mind off this bull s$*%.